AiTT #1: Truth is Bravery
My Dad was a suave motherfucker.
Dead dads and cheating loversI learned some hard and powerful lessons while my dad was dying. While my dad was dying, my boyfriend was cheating on me and a colleague at work was also trying to get me fired. It was a trying time in my life, but alchemy often needs fire for transformation... if anyone has learned how to heal through joy - please contact me. I want to know what you know.
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The gut checkhe'd had a whole other relationship for a year - every single gut wiggle and 'wtf' came back to remind me that truth had been available all along. I just didn't trust it... and I didn't want for it to be true. I lacked trust in my own gut truth - my intuition and psychic sense was bang on the fucking money, but I distrusted myself and lacking any concrete truth, I "went along" with Cliff's fiction.
Even now I will have stray memories pop up that are like puzzle pieces that fit into place about that situation. I'm still learning how right I was about everything. A work colleague had become a close friend and confidante during this same stressful and highly emotional time. On the surface she was an empathetic, caring ear. Behind my back, she would take very personal details of my confidence and tell them all to my staff with a twist to paint me in the worst possible light - flighty, unreliable, immature, deviant, stupid, lazy and useless.I didn't believe in the truth that my own body was telling me.
Bitches and Cowards
I struggled for months with these lies and couldn't let them go. I didn't understand what I was missing and how I could still be bothered by them. They lied, they betrayed - some people suck... move on.
It wasn't working.
I didn't get it until I listened to a podcast about Cathal Morrow and his Year Without Lying.
Cathal found out that it's hard to tell the truth. Lying is easy.
BANG! Connection made! Calling them "liars" and "deceitful", didn't adequately cover how betrayed and disgusted I was at their behaviour. Now, I understood that what really bothered me was the COWARDICE required to act so shitty. They were petty cowards. FINALLY, I had the fullness of understanding that I had been missing.Truth requires bravery.
Let's LearnThere's a lot of interesting research about lies. Here's some:
- children learn to lie as early as age 2
- lying is associated with cognitive function and development
- learning to lie is part of creativity, imagination and impulse control
- the more manipulative you are - the more likely you are to lie on the Machiavellian scale I scored 36/100 - you try
- liars are overly concerned about what others think of them - they are "impression management" people
- responsible people are less likely to tell self-serving lies
- people with high quality same-sex relationships (platonic or romantic/sexual) told less self-serving lies
- women told other women more kind-hearted lies
- when men were involved, either as targets of lies or as liars themselves - self-serving lies doubled or were 8x more likely than kind-hearted lies
Lying is CowardiceMost of us learn at a fairly young age that lies that hurt are wrong... hurting people is wrong - so hurting people with fiction is wrong. It's weak and it's pathetic. It's an attempt to mold our world to our liking without regard to others. Lying is an attempt to get our needs met through manipulation. Lies also prevent others from making truthful decisions about their own lives because they are interacting with our lies instead of our truth. Lies trigger my justice and fairness buttons.
Lies aren't fair or just.
Some say that life isn't fair - I think it is, but we'll come back to that.
Lying is taking advantage - it's stacking the deck. Fundamentally - I don't empathize with liars, but I didn't get that for a long time.
My empathy barometer
For years I empathized with people and situations on emotion alone - I empathized and understood some and didn't with others, but didn't really understand why not. I knew I felt different about some people and situations, but I couldn't really figure it out.
I heard a podcast of Brene Brown discussing empathy and she framed it around the question:
Ah ha! YES... this made so much sense in regards to my empathy. In most situations people ARE doing the best that they can. Parents, friends, lovers, clients, customers - they may not be doing what you or I will do, but they are STILL doing the best that they can with what they have to work with. "There by the grace of god go I" and all that.
"Are people doing the best that they can?"
Wants, Desires, Needs & the Fairness of Life
Own whatever the fuck kind of lifestyle you wantCliff wanted to have a long-term, stable, committed relationship AND he want to fuck a lot of different women. FINE. I don't give a shit what kind of lifestyle you want - more power to you, but OWN that shit and don't be a wimpy little bitch about it. He tried to make that happen for himself by being a cowardly little bitch liar. There are a lot of different kinds of people and relationships in the world.
Cliff was NOT trying hard enough. If he had been honest and owned his need and been brave about his preferences he likely would have been able to have the kind of lifestyle he wanted and been able to do it with honour and integrity.
I'm not into that.
I don't want that and given the option would have said "No thanks" to the polyamory - but I wasn't given that courtesy. I wasn't told what he actually needed.
Instead, Cliff was a pathetic coward who used deceit to try and get what he wanted like a weak little bitch. I see you.
Truth is Bravery. Welcome to Adventures in Truth Telling. If you like what I'm creating, please consider supporting the making on Patreon.