When We Just Don't Have a Choice Anymore

Winter Crone. 2020

I’m a big fan of The Crone.

It seems clear that she’s the one in my life that is doing things now that I was too scared to do when I was younger. Too wrapped up in what people would think or say. Too wrapped up in fear of being seen - really seen, in a public way.

There doesn’t feel like there’s much choice anymore.

Which is also why I finally sought help.

Stuck and Depressed

After I had my mystical awakening, it changed my life, but I still continued to live as if I had a choice whether I would completely commit to what I learned in that holy moment - or not.

I’ve spent the last 30 years thinking that I could pick and choose and decide when and where and how I would live Love and Inclusion. If you watch the video - the tears are my response to knowing that I have been (often) choosing to make exceptions to the first truth.

I have felt stuck and a bit depressed over the past 4 or 5 years and I didn’t know how to make it better and I couldn’t make any progress on my own. I was feeling unhappy and dissatisfied with not doing work in this life that supports my belief in the first truth and Beloved Presence.

I have big dreams for myself and my life that I have had since I was a child.

I have never shared them publicly because I never believed that they were real - until now.

The Big Dreams are the Map

This is often so hard for us to accept because our egos and this entire world is set up to keep us thinking we’re terrible pieces of shit.

The daydreams and giant joy-filled desires we have for our lives are the map.

I know that this is true, and I speak it and I share it and then I forget or I falter in my belief and I capitulate under the duress of “authorities” that benefit when we believe the lies the world tells us, that we are small and powerless.

The daydreams and giant joy-filled desires we have for our lives are the map

There is nothing egotistical about believing in a path that brings us the greatest amount of love and joy and satisfaction that we can imagine. There’s nothing egotistical about desiring to earn a livelihood from that joyful path. There is nothing antithetical about earning money for spiritual pursuits.

I have giant, ambitious dreams that are connected to my purpose and life’s work and feelings of satisfaction and joy in being alive. I have deep desires to educate about Beloved Presence in a creative way - through story, writing, video, art and classes.

All of that is Beloved Presence.

My Confession

I’ll say it here, for the first time ever in public… I believe that I’m working on blockbuster material.

I shit you not.

- and I know how it comes across, believe me - I know how it sounds… but I’m trying not to be uncomfortable with the bigness of my vision and desire. I believe that I’ve written a best-seller. I believe that it will be turned into a block-buster movie.

I believe, for the first time in my life, that all the grand desires and daydreams I’ve ever had are based in truth and reality.

I don’t know if they’ll all ever happen - but I believe for the first time that they can.

I believe in the possibility of them being real and true. I believe in the actuality of them being not from my ego but from Beloved Presence all along.

Transpersonal Coaching at ICU

I registered for Transpersonal Coaching I (TPC) at ICU. Paul and Jane offer an accredited program that will take me four or five years to complete and become certified with the ICF.

Jane Tipping & Paul Goudsmit of ICU. Paul’s got a 70’s porn ‘stache going on in these photos which makes me lol.

What drew me to them was twofold:

First, they are rooted in a spiritual world view. The foundation of the program is A Course in Miracles, which rests upon the acceptance of spiritual truths as not only existent, but primary to our overall health and well-being.

The second draw was their insistence on doing the work. The first two years is nothing but doing our own spiritual work on ourselves.

They ‘walk the talk’.

“If you come here to feel better, you are at the wrong address. Come here to feel everything and be at peace with that, you are in the right spot!”

— Paul Goudsmit

I found their YouTube channel while I was researching TPC courses and it was synchronistic to me that this, the first video I watched - was about an experience I had just been discussing with my good friend Julie.

As a result of the work I’m doing on myself, with the help of ICU - my life is transforming very quickly into something that gives me an enormous amount of joy.

A Course in Miracles

ICU teachings are grounded in ACIM.

Not entirely - there is also a lot of evidence based family-systems therapy work, but so far, I’ve been reading a lot of this book.

I had my copy given to me by Sharon in Brampton in 2003. Thank you Sharon!

I’ve read it once in 2003-2005 and put it away.

It had a huge impact on me and is one of those volumes that every time you pick it up you get more and different lessons than you did before.

But I put it down because it’s really steeped in Christian terminologies which frankly, give me the creeps.

Listen, if you’re a Christian and you love Jesus and you get down with the Lord New Testament style - good on you.

You do you. I don’t.

It’s too much He, Him, Father, Son for my comfort. The Christian Church has a whole mess of fragmentary and divisive shit for me to just dive into this without questions.

Paul was very understanding and agreeable about my concerns. He said:

“It’s ‘A’ course in Miracles, not ‘THE’ course.”

Which also felt good and right to me.

They welcome and encourage all ways of spiritual learning about Beloved Presence - even my insistence on calling it “Beloved Presence” because the names aren’t as important as doing the work.

The Yearly Intention

Early on, Paul wanted me to set a learning intention for the year. I was feeling a lot of self-doubt and lack of confidence about my path and my purpose so I chose:

“This year I want to experience the total confidence of my ‘At-one-ment’ self.”

I wanted to feel the confidence of the embodiment of Beloved Presence every day, in all aspects of my life.

WELP.

Maybe you can guess where this is going.

Essentially, I’m overturning everything in my life that is impeding my experience of embodying Beloved Presence in my life…

so OUT with the emotional shit!

OUT with the wrong beliefs and misconceptions and the false stories…

OUT with the health issues that have been plaguing me for 10 years. I finally followed up on the sleep apnea suspicions and yeah, severe sleep apnea diagnosis.

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Behold - the most unflattering picture gallery ever:

This is me at my first and then second sleep apnea clinic visits.

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I had 117 “apnea events” every hour - which basically means I stop breathing every 30 seconds when I sleep. Score.

So after 15 years of never getting a good night’s sleep - I’m sleeping 7 hours a night with my cpap machine.

SURPRISE! Proper rest changes your life!

I literally can read and watch TV and eat lunch without falling asleep. More importantly - I can meditate and commune with Beloved Presence without immediately falling asleep.

I cried from missing that communion so much while it was gone. It had been years since I was able to sit down with my journal and pen and be quiet and have a dialog with BP.

I missed the very simple and sacred activity of asking questions and receiving answers.

“Ask and you shall receive… unless you fall asleep first.”

So this is Beloved Presence

This is what I’m doing now - everything to do with living the experience of Beloved Presence in my life and sharing those experiences with you.

I’ll make art when I feel like it. Make videos when I feel like it. My main method of communication has been writing and I guess I’ll just keep doing what I feel guided to do and share what happens.

I hope it’s helpful and interesting.

Let me know if you want to talk about something in particular.

I think I’m going to start a Tik Tok. (I did.)

This is me today. Right now.

Liar, Liar, pants on fire.

THIS, is actually how I looked before I took my hair down. (I’m pushing myself to be comfortable being seen as I am. Right now, without having to do anything to make it “more pretty”.)

How I look most often because I’m sweaty hot AF all of the time now.

Know and live from your authentic self.

Start with some free Divine Reminders. Daily. Or whenever you want to use them.

Okay. That sounds good.

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